The itching has stopped!

That is right. The itching has stopped, well it pretty much has stopped. A few scratches here and there that don't feel like "normal" scratches, but otherwise I'm good. What was the cause of said itching? We may never know. Who really cares as long as it has stopped for now.

So the funniest and well...not at all funny thing happened today. I'm in my OPP lab today (you know...the manipulation lab) and a girl goes running across the room calling another girl's name. I see a huge crowd of people gathering and I'm like what in the world is going on. After some asking around apparently this girl had a seizure. She also has no history of seizures, which is kind of a big deal. But anyway, I guess if you are going to have a seizure this would be the best place to do it. About 15-20 doctors, with a couple of neurologists sprinkled in there, all in the same room. So anyway, they disperse the crowd and the professor goes back to teaching. Okay, let me explain the OPP lab to you. It's basically a room full of examining tables. Yup. That's all it is. So this poor medical student is laying on one of these tables and one of the doctors is with her along with a friend and a guy who is an EMT. The professor goes back to talking. As you can guess, even though we are trying, we're not paying much attention. Then a door opens and in rolls a couple of medics with a stretcher. Can you guess what happens next? And if you said, the professor stops teaching so that the medics can do their job and get the girl out of there you would be WRONG! Nope, this professor continued teaching as the medics loaded the girl on the stretcher and covered her up with blankets and a heat preservation device and rolled her out. About two minutes after the medics left, the professor goes "okay now practice those techniques." Holy crap. You have got to be kidding me. Listen, if they wanted to protect her privacy and they thought by keeping going with the class was the best way, they were wrong. The best way would have been to clear us out of the room. Nobody learned anything afterwards anyway and we all stared at her (as much as we tried not to). They're all heart at my school, all heart.

Oh the embarrassment...

So I consider myself a rather level headed person. I mean, I am very emotional but for the most part I can hold those emotions in. People who know me might say otherwise. Today was the second time that I embarrassed myself in front of a specific professor. She is super nice so I'm not sure she really cares or remembers but I remember. The first time was when the initial decision was made to take Jon's grandfather off of life support and I was trying to arrange for me to have the day off I had to speak to her and I got tears in my eyes and my voice got shaky talking about it. Ah yes...the levelheaded Ashley.

Today, however, is embarrassing in I don't know how warranted it was. Last night I started itching and getting these off hivey-looking things. I have a tree hut allergy so I was like oh crap I ate something. After fully reviewing everything I had eaten there was nothing (I had some peanut butter, but peanuts are not a nut, they are a legume). The problem persisted until today and after telling my friend Laura about it, she said well why not ask Dr. Moscatello. After a little protest (remembering my first embarrassing encounter), I decided well why not. The cool thing about our Microbiology faculty is they will test you for some things. If you think you have strep throat, they'll do a throat culture on you. So I walked into lab and showed her my bumps, explained my symptoms. My bumps don't follow a typical hive pattern, which I knew and my rash is pretty much non-specific. She said to see if it's an allergic reaction, I should take an anti-histamine (Benadryl) and if the itching goes away, it's an allergy problem. Problem is....anti-histamines make you sleep and I couldn't afford to sleep the rest of the day. She also mentioned that it could just be dry patches of skin making me itchy or something to do with my clothes or other such things. (this is where the level headed me comes in). I wouldn't have started worrying about an allergy until I went through all of the other possibilities. Mostly I never think dry skin because in fact, my skin is often too moist, aka I can get oily. I also lived in one of the worst areas for dry skin for 4 years and never had a problem. I knew that I hadn't changed soaps, laundry detergents or any of those products. And yet the itching. But I did try lotion to see....hasn't helped. No anti-histamine because I'm afraid that even if I take it now before I got to bed it will still make me sleep too long and I'll miss my first class. So here I sit itching. It would be so nice if I could stop. But it hasn't. I had a little relief earlier in the day, but on and on it continues. So yes, I have embarrassed myself in front of a professor twice. I really do feel like an idiot for bringing my itching problem to her but oh well I guess I could have tried to show her some vaginal secretion and said...what do you think this is.

On a plus note, the semester ends in a week. On more negative I have to continue studying for the anatomy exams I have to retake. On a plus note, Jon's grandfather is doing much better. On a negative note, I'm still itching.

Holy crap!

It's been a long time since I've posted. Life however has been crazy hectic and I'm hoping that it slows down soon. First however, an update on anatomy. I passed! Sure it wasn't a great pass and i have to retake the first two exams I failed in January but as the old riddle goes, what do you call the med student who graduated last in their class? Dr. (it's not as funny as it used to be, but still so true). This new round of classes has been going better. I wouldn't say they are easier by any means but they are more enjoyable. Their amount of facts alone is impressive but then once you add in second and third order facts, it's down right complicated. But fun nonetheless. We are always being asked, don't you wish you were back in anatomy? I'm one of the few people who consistently says no.
Anyway, I've been on a break since about 8:30 Tuesday morning for Thanksgiving. It's been nice being able to sleep a little and read. I have missed reading so much. Tomorrow, however, brings the start of relearning (or learning) the anatomy that I failed so my break is going to be shortened, but I think I'll still take it sort of easy.
So Jon's grandfather has been moved to a rehab hospital. It's a far cry from what was planned a few weeks ago when they thought they would be removing life support. I haven't been able to get to the hospital as much with the snow we've been getting and the work load but he seems to be improving.
Jon found a job at Target where they promised him 40 hours a week, but when he got his schedule he found he was only working one day a week and there was nothing the supervisor could do about. He was staying with me until he could find an apartment, which he did, but then had to turn down due to the Target thing and as such, quit there and is now hoping to find something else. He went home yesterday. Last night I had trouble sleeping because he wasn't here and now I'm avoiding going to bed (despite being up since 3am for Black Friday shopping) because I know tonight will be more of the same. I'll admit it was getting a little hairy will all of us together in this little apartment. I think in the time that we were separated (and no techinically we're not "back together" I think...I'm not really sure what we are to tell you the truth) I got so used to being alone that being around someone all of the time was something I needed to "relearn." Do not get me wrong, I love spending as much time as I possibly can with him, but I think I have developed the need for "alone time." Something I have never needed before. But now that he hasn't been here yesterday and today, I'm just sad and lonely. My teddy bear that I curl up with at night doesn't have his body heat and there's no one to laugh about stupid things with or to just randomly talk to. The nice thing to have someone you care about around is that as soon as a thought pops into your head you can say it. But when you are alone, the thoughts come and have to be stored up for later so that you can tell them. Even if they aren't important thoughts, but thoughts that were important at the time.
Something I have found is that since we been together, I've been smiling a lot more. For a while I hated myself because I used to smile all of the time and always have something that I could laugh about. For a few months, I couldn't do it. Part of it was med school was stealing some of my soul, but a lot of it was that I didn't have all of myself (corny I know, but when you love someone it is a giving of yourself). Now in some ways I have that back and I feel like I can laugh again and smile even if there isn't really a reason to smile. I appreciate everything more (including food, which is not good for my figure).
But anyway, I think I am going to try the bed thing. I am awfully tired and I would like to go back to school for this last three weeks at least semi rested so I can kick butt on final exams. Good night and I hope everyone has wonderful dreams.

Life just keeps getting more and more interesting...

It's been about a week and a half since I got the call that Jon's grandfather had been in an accident and it was serious. He has been holding on for that week and a half and it's been so hard on everyone. When I got the call, I debated a little about whether I should go or not and then just decided I needed to be there. I've now been there almost everyday since that night. I go in to his room to see him and it's hard. This man always has a twinkle in his eye that reminds me of Jon's and tells the same story over and over again but you laugh anyway because these are the stories that mean so much to him. When we go in we try to tell stories to make him remember, to make him smile and he does. He's on a ventilator and he's on a lot of heavy duty drugs most of the time but when he's awake he smiles at us. The other night we had a scare and we all thought he was going that night. That was Friday and this is Sunday and he's still hanging on. So the family met with the doctor's and they made a decision to remove life support on Tuesday. They wanted time to get his youngest son here, who the family hasn't seen in 17 years so that he can say his goodbyes. But today, walking in to see him, at first I wasn't sure I was in the same room. He was more awake and conscious and when you talked to him, he moved his eyes towards you. He looked good, he had color and his hands weren't as swollen. The emotional part of me thinks that just maybe, just maybe. But at the same time, the medical part of me, the part that I need as a future physician says but all of the signs...all of the damage, it just doesn't add up to a long life. It's hard to deal with the confliction. But this is like my adopted grandpa and I just want him to live and to hear his stories about people I don't even know but who mean so much to him.

In addition to dealing with the medical problems, it's also been rough dealing with the emotional conflicts in the family. There's been so conflicts between his children and it's been coming out in the past week. Their stepmother doesn't help any. It's all been tiring. On top of all of that, Jon and I keep getting questioned about our relationship. We say we're just friends even though I think it's a bit more complicated than that but right now I think we both want to concentrate on getting through this tragedy (it sounds so melodramatic but it really is a tragedy). His family also keeps saying what a good person I am, how I'm an angel, etc etc for being there so much. It's kind of embarrassing because I don't think I'm doing much. I think I'm just doing what anybody would do for the people they care about and I feel bad because I wish there was more I could do. They ask me medical questions at times that I just can't answer and I wish I could just come up with a solution. Most of the time I just sit there and feel hopeless and helpless because I just want to be able to save him and give them back their father, grandfather, friend, whatever their relationship is. I apologize because this post wasn't supposed to be about me, but about him but through all of this I've felt so much emotion but with all the other emotions circling around I try to hold mine back and this is how I'm letting them out.

I just wish there was more I could do. I wish there was more that his religion would allow him to do. His religion prohibits blood transfusions and with a transfusion another treatment could be tried. The doctor has said it might only actually give him a couple more days and prolong the inevitable but at the same time, you never know, it could do more. It's just so frustrating.

But I should go to bed. Another long day tomorrow with school and then the hospital.

At this moment in my life...

What I really need to do...

is be in the library studying right now. But I have absolutely no interest in studying right now. Actually I'm pretty sure I lost interest yesterday or maybe it was Friday. But last night was the night that I sat there and said "I have no freaking clue what to study anymore." There's so much I can study but I just don't even know where to begin. So yeah, I might have to spend my entire summer remediating anatomy. I know I was optimistic before but I mean what are the odds really? I failed the first two exams, so what makes me think that I can pass the third exam which is the hardest of the three?

I keep wishing for things to get better but I just don't know that they are going to.

RIP Hulk

Tonight, I said good-bye to Dr. Bruce Banner (aka Hulk). I almost cried. Very pathetic. One of the girls in my lab group and I said a few things to him, thanked him and then said goodbye. I kind of felt like an idiot because I teared up. But hey...I learned a lot from that cadaver and I spent a lot of time with him. I still wonder what he was like alive, but eventually I will learn his age and his cause of death. That I think will be helpful. But anyway, while I think I will miss Hulk, I just hope I don't have to have a new cadaver assigned to me next year (aka I fail this year).

Hoorah for Class of 2012!

So starting in July, I noticed a few things about my class. They are whiners. A lot of them are gunners. A lot of them are super-competitive when there is no longer any need to be. And as of this morning, they are cheaters. Okay, as a disclaimer I should say that this isn't everyone in my class. A lot of people simply want to be doctors and help people and as such just want to get through med school (I'm one of those people). We want to do well, but for us as long as we pass, we're good. So the whiners complain about everything single thing, from bad test questions to the amount of time we have to study, on and on and on. The gunners spend everyday in the library for hours and hours and know everything, even the stuff we don't need to know. And then make those of us who aren't gunners, feel like idiots. The competitive is self-explanatory, though I will add we are all in this together and we should help each other.

Now the cheating part. We have these radio frequency remote control type things where we get quizzes and we answer the quiz question by pushing a button on the remote. Apparently some of the anatomy faculty worked really hard so that we can have these things and they thought it would help us. We are assigned a module to do and then we get quizzed on it during the lecture the next day. It's supposed to make sure we are keeping up. So we have been told several times that these quizzes are testing situations and we should act appropriately (no talking, no notes, and NO CHEATING). So apparently the professors have gotten emails about how cheating on these quizzes is wide spread. No one specific, just that it is wide spread. Who knew? I was trying to think today if I've ever cheated but I don't think I have. I'm trying to decide if I've cheated without knowing it but once again I usually try to keep my eyes as forward as possible. And when I do the modules, it's reflected in my grade. When I don't do the modules, it's reflected in my grade. I usually do the modules so my grades are fairly high. Of course, if I were really cheating, I might actually be passing the class, which of course, I'm not.


So the entire class might be punished for what a few people are doing. Not only that but this isn't the first time we get punished for what other's do. Holy crap. They whine all the time, piss the professors off and the professors make the tests harder. Quite honestly I don't even know what to say anymore, the stupidity just amazes me. Honestly, walking home today, I said to myself, do I even want to attend this school anymore? I'm not sure this is the environment I want to get my medical education in.

So today is...

...a bit better than yesterday. After my post last evening, I decided to answer some questions in my review book. I answered 8 and got 2 right. I got so pissed off, I threw the book across the room. It's probably a good thing that the book is relatively small. So the book went flying and I was a little surprised at myself (I'm not exactly a throw a book across the room kind of person). I decided this was not a good thing and went to bed. Woke up this morning and I have to say I was in exquisite pain. I've been having pain in my lower back for over a week now, pain in my neck for a few days and a headache to top it all off. But I got up, went through my routine, although it did take me a lot longer to do the stuff that I have to do in the morning than usual.

So I had an hour of class and then a break before my OPP lab. I'm sitting in the cafeteria with a cup of coffee studying with some people and the security person walks in and says "We are evacuating the building for a bomb threat." Now if this was a real bomb threat and I can't guarantee that we weren't just having a drill, it's not funny. But at the same time, I kind of giggle thinking of some stressed out first year calling and putting in a bomb threat. Now this did not actually happen to my knowledge (I feel I should add this in case someone higher up than me in the med school food chain reads my blog accidentally) but you have to admit that with the stress we are all under, someone is bound to crack eventually. So anyone we walk out and then we walk back in, very short amount of time so I'm thinking it was a drill. But anyway, I go to lab and we are doing cervical manipulation techniques, in other words, we're basically massaging the neck and loosening up the muscles. I almost asked my OPP partner to marry me because it was so amazing. My neck feels better, my head feels better. All I need is someone to do my lower back and I will be so much better.

I'm still stressed out and there's times when I feel like I still know nothing but there are flashes of knowledge so we'll see how things go. And if I fail anatomy, I'm going to be upset, but hey...things happen for a reason. I don't know what this reason would be but there has to be one. But I just have a feeling that I'm going to pass. I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I just have a feeling in my gut and I have to say, my gut has been giving me pretty good insights lately.

I just don't understand...

I have been studying my butt off for weeks. In lab today and during some group study sessions, I was sprouting off information like it was nobody's business. Then as soon as I get asked a multiple choice question on that information, I can't answer it. I freeze up. Or I second guess myself, say the right answer first and then change my answer. Now, I have never had test anxiety before and I've always been really good at multiple choice questions. There is something about med school questions that make me freeze. For as much as I have been studying, I should have the entire book imprinted on my brain, all of the lectures memorized and everything single important relationship understood. Now while I don't have that, I know I have a lot of information stored in my head and I've learned my lesson enough to know what stuff is important. I just can't put it to use. Which really sucks because on Friday I have a test and on Monday and Tuesday I have tests. I need to pass anatomy and I just can't put the information to use. It worries me.

Everybody says you know so much, just have confidence, but I have to say, I think my confidence has kind of been wrecked by this whole anatomy thing. I knew my stuff last time and I still failed. I feel like such a failure at this and I just don't know where to go from here.

Oh the maturity of medical students...

In our defense, we're exhausted. But I have to stay, even I'm not exhausted enough or maybe too exhausted to find the latest joke of the male medical students that sit around me to be funny after the first telling. So we are learning about nerves in the head. The nerves in the head control the gag reflex, this is why you stick your finger down your throat and you gag, or puke depending on how big the reflex is. So the latest joke: all prostitutes should have this nerve cut so that they can't gag. Haha. Funny the first time really. Not after the 10th telling. What's more, if you cut this nerve you not only get rid of the gag reflex, but you get a dry mouth. From what I understand, excess production of saliva is a good thing during those kind of moments. So wouldn't that simply defeat the purpose.

Listen, I have as dirty a mind as the next person, but I'm kind of tired of hearing stupid and dirty jokes over and over again. It's not even that the jokes are dirty, but that they're stupid.

Now I'm going to bed. Maybe after sleeping the joke will be funny again...but probably not.

A few random things...

So today is a scary day...today was lecture 70 of anatomy. In other words...anatomy lectures are over. Very very scary. I am completely on my own now. I have 1 week and 1 day to pass anatomy. Now, I should say, if I fail anatomy for some reason, they don't automatically kick you out. But mentally, I'm not sure I could go through anatomy AGAIN! I'm barely making it through the first time. But we'll see. It's still possible that I can pull it off. Very possible in fact so we'll see.

Meanwhile, I am very very sick of my family interfering in everything! They constantly are asking about whether I am studying, my grades, and everything else that is really none of their business. Now I have lived away from home for 4 years now. I have to say my mother bought some of my groceries, but I was responsible for the cooking of them and generally getting through life 300 miles from home. I can handle it. When I agreed to move in with my sister, it was only going to be for this first year of school. I told everyone that. I want to be able to have my own apartment next year. Now when the topic comes up everyone is so offended that I am still sticking with this plan. No one seems to understand that I will be 23 by then and I need some independence. I would like my independence now. If I wouldn't have felt horrible turning my sister down when she asked me, I would be in my own apartment this year. But I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's frustrating that they basically won't let me go. You know, I have basically an entire apartment in boxes sitting in my grandmother's garage. I could have my own apartment but instead all of my stuff is in boxes. How horrible of me to want to be an adult instead of always living with someone who wants to take care of them.

Lastly, I really feel like I wasn't completely honest in my last post. I said October 11th had become a day like any other. But I really feel like it definitely isn't. The simple fact that I had even thought about having to drown my sorrows with my friends Ben and Jerry shows that it isn't a normal day. Instead I had to force myself to make it a day that could be productive. Unfortunately so much of my life is about productivity right now. October 11th was the start of 5 years and a little more, that is a period I won't ever regret no matter what happens in the future. But as we all know, I am an eternal optimist and have been throughout the entire happenings of the past year. So Oct. 11th was actually a happy day, but also a kind of sad day in that I couldn't spend it with who I wanted to. But once again, optimism is a good way to live your life (as long as you aren't naive). And if you read the comments of my last post, you'll know that a week before the 11th there was a day of extreme happiness and extreme comfort. Possibly the happiest I've been in a while. I also got the best 2 hours of sleep that I've had since May.

It was 6 years ago today...

If Jon and I were still together, today would be our 6th anniversary. However, since we are no longer together, it's basically just another day. I have a friend who started dating her boyfriend of 6 six years on October 12th (tomorrow) and so tomorrow would be there 6th anniversay...if they were still together. Laura mutually parted with her boyfriend a few weeks ago and now has a new boyfriend (she likes to refer to him as her man piece). She and her ex lost interest in each other a while ago, but her new boyfriend I think was the catalyst to them calling it off. The purpose of the story was that we today we were going to get together and eat Ben and Jerry's and commiserate over our relationships, or lack thereof. Last night I walked up to her and asked if we were still doing our Ben and Jerry's. Laura said well what do you think. After thinking about it for a second, I said "I don't really think we need to. I'm okay." She responded that she was excellent (and who wouldn't be, he just made her dinner and they had a very special "couple" moment). So our Ben and Jerry's night was called off because we are both doing okay or better than okay as the case may be.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to our relationship. People used to tell us all the time how lucky we were to have each other and what a great couple we were. We loved each other very much. I still love him. This was the kind of love where I could look into his eyes and see the love there. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but it's true. If you read my older blogs, there's the story about the rocks in the container. And I think that's what happened. We lost sight of our big rocks. I don't know what he thinks, but I know that I lost sight of the big rocks. Getting involved in everything else and forgetting about the time a relationship needs. Getting so busy that there's barely enough time to cook food or do laundry and most definitely not enough time for some "quality time." So that's my theory. But hey...I could be wrong.

So since today has become basically like any other, I have to do my laundry and study for the next round of anatomy tests. Maybe I'll actually be able to pass this one.

My Plans for Christmas Break...

Yes, Christmas break is still 2 1/2 months away but I am already making plans. I am start my break on December 19th and I have off until January 5th. Not a lot of time, but more time than I have now. First and foremost, I want to do some volunteer work. Places always need extra help during the holidays and I am an extra set of hands. This isn't purely unselfish as I get these things called TOUCH points for every hour I volunteer or do charity work and if I accumulate enough I get a letter in my med school file to go potential residencies. Probably a good idea. Second, I am going to read. I am going to read everything I can possibly get my hands on that does not have to do with medical school. I mean sure I am going to have to do some studying over the break to get ahead for the next semester but the majority of the time will be spent reading what I want. I am a reader. I love all books. I cringe when I see people mistreating books (folding the page over, writing in them....ugh, it's abuse). So I shall read.

I also want to go to the NFL hall of fame. I know it sounds odd, but I've passed by it several times and I never get to stop. Of course, it's a several hour drive and with the weather in this area, it might not be possible. So maybe that can hold off until summer.

But I am going to do the things that are good for the soul which as already said a main one for me is reading. I want to spend time with friends and family. I want to be able to appreciate the holidays. See, in my family, we aren't really the religious type, a little, but not a lot. Our Christmas is about our entire family being together, which is only is a couple of times a year and Christmas is the last big family hoo-rah of the year. It's weird that we are so rarely all together. The farthest anyone lives is my sister and I who live an hour away. Except for the past 4 years when I was in college and I lived about 6 hours away.

So I am basically going to spend my Christmas break doing all of the things that are good for me, so that when the spring semester comes around I am mentally and emotionally prepared and I can kick some med school butt.

What a week....

So this week has been interesting. Let's start with last Friday. I had my second anatomy practical. I wasn't sure how the actual practical portions (the part where you go into lab and identify tagged structures) went, but then I get to the oral portion (don't make this dirty, it's not). I stand in line and wait my turn. I was going to let someone in front of me, when she insisted, no no you go. Sarcastically, I say "thanks." I was very scared and did not want to go but I guess the time had to come at some point. I walk into the room and there sits my favorite Eastern European anatomy professor (okay, so he's the only Eastern European anatomy professor, but still...). I say to him "please go easy on me." He says "don't worry, this is easy. please tell me the branches of the celiac trunk' (for all of you who don't know the celiac trunk is off the aorta...major blood vessels). Now let's backtrack to the previous evening. Standing in a study room, I draw out and label all of the branches off of celiac trunk and two other related trunks, plus the branches off the branches and say to my study group/friends "if I get this question in the oral portion, I will lay my head down and cry in relief." We don't actually know the questions before hand but we all try to guess them. So back to the room with the anatomy professor....yes, I did lay my head down. I didn't cry but it was close. So I get full credit. Amazing.

So the way our test scheduling works is we have our practical and oral on Friday and then a 100 question written exam on Monday. So I take a break Friday night from sheer exhaustion. Even if I had studied nothing would have stayed. I study Saturday with a quick break to take in a movie with my sister. Sunday I am making dinner for my friends as a pretest meal, put my pork chops in a marinade and head to the library to study. Laura, my friend, is sitting there and we study separately for about 2 hours when we both say we are hungry and head to her apartment to split a box of macaroni and cheese. I ask her to check my email since most emails at the school are blocked (we are censured at medical school). So in my email is a very not nice email from my ex-boyfriend accusing me of saying things to people that I never talk to anymore about conversations that we had and got back to his current girlfriend. Wow. It hurt. First off, we dated for 5 years and he's my best friend and he says I'm his, so he should know that I would never say things like that to people. At that point, I just started crying because I couldn't believe it. I went on with the rest of my day attempting to study but it wasn't the best effort. Had dinner with my friends (the pork chops were pretty good, might I add) and went back to the library to study as a group.

Now during all of this, I am trying to figure out how what he and I had been emailing about had gotten back to her. It was impossible. We had talked about MAYBE seeing each other this weekend since we both were going to be at our parents' houses. I told my two friends that we might see each other but no one else. There was no way details of our conversation had gotten back to her. So I began thinking, has she been checking his email accounts? Moving on through the evening, I'm studying and I'm managing to keep up pretty well as in I really know my anatomy (keep this in mind for later). Then I hear a vibration. We all look at each other to see who it is. I'm guessing it isn't me because I rarely get calls on my cell phone. But it is me! There pops up my ex's number on my cell phone. I sneak out of the library and sit and talk to him for half an hour. The email he sent me, was a venting. Apparently he had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend about the emails we had exchanged and the fact that we still talk and she doesn't like it. So he is moving out of her place and home. Wow. What a change in my day. I felt bad about the fact that this was making his life hard, but I have to say, in all honesty, I was relieved and happy. So I went back to the library and continued studying and went home to sleep.

Next morning, test time. I take the first exam with 25 questions and walk out feeling like I didn't do well. I got back in to take the 100 question exam and I'm cruising along thinking that all is going well. I get done a little early, which scares me but I checked my answers several times so there was nothing I could do. I hand in my test and leave. An hour of class after lunch and then to doctor's appointments for my teeth. Tuesday comes along and so do our grades. The first test I did excellent on (the one I didn't think I did well on). The second...failed by 2 points. Now if we rewind to the whole I really knew my anatomy thing, you have to be wondering what the hell. Yeah, me too. I know my anatomy, I can recite it to you now if you asked. So what the hell. Well I don't know. I'm gonna review the exam to see what the hell happened but it's so sad. But anyway, I am once again picking myself up from another failure. Wow. It really is amazing. I can still pass anatomy, there's still about half of the points left and I'm only failing the class by two points, but still after all the studying I did, even with my breaks, it doesn't make sense.

So let's fast forward a little more. I don't hear from my ex all week which is odd because I expected to hear from him about his living arrangements and where he was going to live after he left his now ex-girlfriend's. Thursday night, his cell phone is disconnected and I begin to worry (I'm a worrier). Finally on Friday I call his parents and he is there and there permanently (well at least until he finds a new place). It's his birthday and he's not doing anything for it so I offer to make him a birthday dinner. He and our friend that is currently living with him come over for a mean baked spaghetti and strawberry shortcake. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Now this is where it get's even more interesting. He tells me the story and apparently he's happy he's out of there. She of course blames it all on me. If you check his blog, she even made some weird comment saying that his ex "sabotaged the relationship." I imagine I am the ex they were talking about....but sabotage is just silly. You ask anyone who knows me and they would tell you that I probably don't even know how to sabotage a relationship. And I don't. I wouldn't even know where to begin if I really wanted to. He's my best friend and all I really wanted to do was talk to my best friend and the person that yes quite frankly, I still love. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and a hug to thank me for dinner and the present I got him (yes I know I am pathetic) but at that moment I said to myself, it's still there, that love I have for him. Our first kiss was a kiss on the forehead and I felt the same about that kiss and I did about this one, only different because it's grown and developed now. So to top off my week, an even better knowledge that I still love my ex and all I can be right now, and maybe for the rest of our lives, is a friend.

So now, if I really want to pass anatomy, I should study, but maybe I'll cuddle with my dog for a little while first.

I think I might be going crazy...

Or else the stress is finally getting to me. I've been going to anatomy lab practically everyday for the last 7 weeks. As time has gone on, it's gotten really old. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but most days when I walk out of the lab, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm finally out of there. But the last few days, I've become really sad about the fact that in about 4 weeks, anatomy will be over. Don't get me wrong when/if I pass, I will be elated. But I will kind of miss anatomy lab. And no, I don't think I'm going to miss the actual process of anatomy lab, but I will miss Dr. Banner. Who is Dr. Banner you may ask? Well Dr. Banner is my "home" cadaver. He got that name because he is a very large man and so like the Hulk...then Dr. Banner, it fits. I hope no one takes this as a disrespect to the person who made a gift of their body so that we can learn. In fact, I have the utmost respect for this man. So much respect in fact that I feel sad that in just a few weeks, I'll never see him again.
I know it sounds just a bit twisted but honestly, I have spent a lot of time with him when these 12 weeks are up. Not only that but I have been given the responsibility of his care. Cadavers must be maintained or they won't last very long and you won't be able to learn anything from them. So I have spent time with this cadaver and I have even found myself wondering about him. When he was alive what was he like, what did he do? It's hard to figure out exactly how he died, but I want to know if he was in pain or if he went "peacefully."
My lab group brought up the question to each other, well if you had the opportunity to see him in life, would you want to? Everybody said a definite no, but if it were possible, I think I would have wanted to. At least a picture or a name. It's sad to have developed a connection to a body, but I have.
I've heard rumors that at the end of anatomy we hold a mock funeral for our cadavers in order to show our respect for them. If this ceremony actually occurs, I'm scared. I mean, I will probably end up crying because I have grown this connection to this person and even if he no longer has a life, he is still a person.
I think I had a dream about my cadaver the other night. One of my anatomy professors was in it as well. The anatomy professor came to my house to help me get rid of a mouse (I know...bizarre). And there was this naked man walking around in the dream. I have no idea who this person was, but I had a very good detail of their anatomy. I am convinced that the naked man was Dr. Banner himself (Of course, this dream came on the same night we had been talking about if we wanted to know more about our cadaver while he was alive).
When we started out in anatomy and the first time we went through his back muscles, I had no problem with it. I had no emotional conflicts, I was able to just dive right in. But I think I am going to have a very hard time walking about from it. People who have a problem with human dissection in medical schools, I think, don't fully understand the mind of the medical student. Some might say we disrespect them or don't fully appreciate what we have been given. But they don't understand how much we appreciate them and how many of us actually grow to "bond" with our cadavers. If nothing else, the medical student relies on that person who donated their body to become a doctor because it is a course that we have to pass in order to become a doctor.

As I said, I so fully appreciate what these people have given us. And I might not have even known when the man died and so couldn't mourn, but I think I will mourn this loss in a few weeks.

Wishing It All Away....

So, as most people I am sure, I frequently find myself sitting at my desk (or in the lecture hall or standing in lab...or whatever) saying, "I wish today would just end so that I can *blank*. Usually this blank is filled with just go home, but then when I get home, I usually have to study so the blank becomes so I can go to bed, etc, etc. I'm sure you get my point. I showed up to the orthodonist one day (yes I am 22 years old and I have braces, get used to it...or don't, I'm still trying to). Anyway, on the day I showed up to the orthodonist, I was harassed and frustrated because I had to hurry to get there after my class and then afterwards I had to hurry back to get to another class. I've looked ahead in my schedule for school and after October 21, my life should get simpler. Well, I am done with anatomy anyway. But at least most days I won't be in school until 5 everyday, not that the material will be any easier. So I said to my orthodonist, I just wish anatomy will be over with so my life will be easier. She said to me "Ashley, you shouldn't wish everything away just so that your life will get easier. Life is never going to get any easier. My mother is 65 and retired and her life is still hectic." While this statement isn't exactly optimistic, to say it never gets any easier...well yeah it probably never will, but it would still be nice to be done with anatomy. (By the way, I like my orthodontist...we have good conversations). So then, the other day I found myself sitting and saying to myself, "I just wish this year would be over...then it'll get better." Where the logic is, I don't know, but I surprised myself, first I started wishing 3 months away, and then a year. Now I've always done the "I wish this week were over" so that I could get to the weekend, but....an entire year? I'm not so sure I (or anyone for that matter) should be wishing years away.
I don't know how many years I have, so wishing them away definitely isn't smart. It reminds me of the movie "Click." If you've seen it, you know that wishing everything away and for time to move faster can be tragic. Yes, I know it's a movie, but it makes a good point. I've also read this book, by an author I highly enjoy. No, the book isn't some 400 pages about life or the meaning of life. But instead you can regularly find it in the gift aisle, it has mostly pictures, and is a total of 110 pages...but like I said...it's mostly about the pictures. It's called "Tomorrow" by Bradley Trevor Greive. It's one of those little cute books, that you buy for....I'm not really sure what the reason is. My mom bought this for me when I was unsure what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Anyway, pg. 86 "Likewise, you must be very careful what you wish for, because you simply cannot lie to yourself and get away with it. When you are not honest about what you want in life, you hurt those closest to you and yourself most of all. Think very clearly about what you care about most....But don't spend all your time dreaming about the future, because the key to tomorrow is today." So yeah, I like that quote from the book...yes, it may be a little cliche, but it rings true and you know it. I know I really don't want these days to be gone. There are moments in every day that I know I would never give up. Today for example, I had a doctor's appointment to check my mouth after the surgery. I am 22 years old and I don't really need to have somewhere there when I go to the doctor anymore. Today, my dad showed up to my doctor's appointment. He wanted to be there, just in case. In case of what I'm not really sure, but he was still there. We talked football and about our days, then we went to our homes.
Anyway, so I kind of deviated off of what I was really trying to say, but that's okay. What I really wanted to say was that this whole theme of not wishing it all away keeps coming up. Last night as I was studying with some friends, one of them said, I just wish this all were over. Another friend replied "Don't wish this away, this is the best part of it all."
I think it's human nature to just wish away the parts of our lives that aren't the greatest or in fact are just downright bad. But are these the moments that make us stronger? If everything were easy, then what would we work for? Maybe a life without work would be easy...but it would be boring as hell.
So anyway, in my philosophical musings, I just want to say to not wish it all away. Every moment we have...there's something there to be appreciated. I have a picture on my bookcase to remind me of this everday. It says "Look for the small miracles and you'll find they're everywhere." I'm not trying to be cheesy, and most of the time I forget about this. But it's so scary that sometimes we wish our moments away when we never know when it's going to be our last moment or the last moment of those that we are living our lives with. So contemplate and plan and dream about tomorrow, but make sure you fully appreciate today.

And I am now done with my cheesy, touchy, hug, hug, tear, tear moment.

So yeah...

I couldn't think of a good title for this post, but the one we have works. So yes, before I go on, I should be studying right now, but I have to say I'm not really in the mood to. So I am taking a short break and then I will get back to it....only problem is, short break is going on 2 hours now. Crap. My "short break" caused me to forget about the laundry I was doing, so now some of my dress pants sat in the dryer for too long and are wrinkled. Great...now I get to iron those.
So I was looking at some pictures of myself today. They were taken in early March and I remember one of the pictures wasn't horrible, so I was going to use it as a profile picture for here and Facebook. Huge mistake. Yeah the picture isn't bad, except it was 40 pounds ago. Meaning I weighed 40 more pounds. I was digusting. I'm not saying that all overweight people are disgusting, I'm just saying the fact that I let myself get that far, disgusts me. The fact that I was so disgusting sure explains a lot of things. I think it plays a large role in the reason why someone who loved me for 5 years, doesn't anymore. I think it can in part explain why I don't really have friends, and am just beginning to actually make friends (after a 40 pound loss). This is some what convoluted I know, but in my mind it makes sense. Of course, that could also be my personality, but I don't think my personality is that bad...but hey ya never know. So yeah 40 pounds ago....I was disgusting. I still look at myself naked (even though I try to avoid that) and say "wow...you're disgusting" but hey it's not as bad as it used to be I guess.
So since I had my wisdom teeth out, the weirdest thing has happened. I cry...a lot. Now, I have always been a bit of a crier. I cry at movies and sometimes songs make me cry, but I usually have a reason for crying. This past summer, I cried... a lot, more than any one person should probably cry, but I was getting better and still...I had a reason. Now, I just start crying, everything makes me cry. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why I am crying. Maybe my body is sad that it no longer has wisdom teeth, or it missed the two baby teeth that got pulled. Maybe it's the drugs that they gave me....I'm not sure. I just know that I cry and it's irritating.
But anyway, I really should get back to studying. I have to say though, I have lost a little bit of the respect I had for medical school. It happened last week when one of the professors put up a picture of himself with his hands over a patient, with light coming from his hands...the healing light. He claims that the picture hasn't been edited in anyway, except there's all this fog in the picture. So wait...he was doing a PE in a foggy atmosphere...not the best place to do it...not enough light or a stable environment. I'm sorry, but well...I believe in the power of healing but that guy might actually be a quack. And I just hope none of the administration has a thing with reading random blogs on here.

I am done ranting and going back to studying.

Medical School

So I've been in medical school for 5 weeks now and I've learned a few things. Which you probably are saying, duh, you're in med school you're supposed to learn things (or at least I hope so since once day you make actually have to save someone's life). The things I've learned though go beyond where the muscles attach, what they do, and what every kind of cell you could possibly think of looks like cross-sectioned and stained. So what have I learned? I've learned how to fail, deal with that failure, laugh about it, maybe even cry about and then pick myself up so I don't fail again. I've learned that sometimes there are just things that are more important than medical school. In the very first week of med school, we had this discussion on time managment and balancing everything in our life. The instructor used the classic example of the the rocks. If case you don't know it, it goes like this:
One day in front of his philosophy class, the professor takes out a clear plastic pail and fills it with large rocks. He then asks his class, "Is the pail full?" To which they reply yes. He then takes out a back of pebbles and pours them into the pail and they fill up all of the spaces between the big rocks. "Is the pail full?" he asks his class. Even more enthusiastically then before, they reply yes. He then takes out a bag of sand and pours it into the pail and the sand fills up all of the spaces between the pebbles and big rocks. "Is it full?" he asks. Again the class replies yes. He then pulls out a jug of water and pours that into the pail and it soaks into the sand and fills up more space. He then asks the class what the lesson is here. One student says "that there is always more room." The professor says "No. The lesson is if you fill your pail with all of the little things in life, you won't have enough room for the big rocks."
You may find the example corny, but I have found it helpful in the past 5 weeks. You may say well then medical school is probably one of your big rocks and I'll say no, it's not. Granted, my entire life I have wanted to be a doctor and thus have strived to get into medical school but I could live without being a doctor. There could be another career out there for me. The things I can't live without or at least would not live well without: my family and friends, my health...my sanity. The lesson I've learned is that if I completely devote myself to medical school and dont' take care of the big rocks, I won't end up being a very good person and probably not even a very good physician.
So what does this have to do with the failure I've mentioned before? Well last week, the most difficult week we've had in medical school yet, I have to choose between my big rocks and the smaller things. My mother was having surgery on Wednesday, I had quizzes, an anatomy practical on Friday and the following week, an anatomy written test on Monday. Do I ignore my mother who is in the hospital to study? Some would have said that would be the better idea or at least limit my time there. I spent about 24 hours (the equivalent of an entire day) in the hospital with her. Sure I was able to study a little while there, but not the kind I would have gotten done if I had stayed home to study. I failed the anatomy practical and I failed the anatomy written exam. It's sad, but I didn't fail miserably on either. I lost about 24 hours of study time but I didn't fail by much. I'm curious to know what I could have done if I chose to stay away from the hospital for the most part. I'm curious, but I don't regret my decision. My mother feels guilty for my choice, but it was mine to make (something I am trying to teach my family, that I'm 22 and for the most part can make my own choices). But this time around, I laughed and I cried and now I've picked myself up. I've concluded that I'm not failing again and if I fail, then I'll just laugh and cry and pick myself up again. I'm working to figure out why I keep failing and I've discovered it's because I don't study well. I get distracted easily and have a short attention span (and no I don't have ADD or ADHD). So while I might be sitting at my desk studying for 4 hours, I'm probably only getting about 3 hours of really good study time. So I went and got help. That's another thing I've learned: to ask for help when I know I need it. Not just when I think I need it, but when I need it for real.
So anyway, medical school has made my reflect on my life a little. Yes I'm young but there's so much I feel I have done wrong that I reflect. And I use the old cliche: I wish I had known then what I know now. I wish I had remembered my big rocks earlier on and maybe I would be an overall happier person right now. If I had maybe what I consider to be one of my big rocks would be closer to me rather than far away.
So this coming week, we start again with anatomy (we had a week off from it while we took a class in Spirituality, Medicine and Ethics, which was to say the least....interesting). So now that I've picked myself up, I'm determined not to fail again. But I'm ready for it if it happens. And I'm going to take better care of myself now. The past 5 weeks, I've kind of neglected me. I lost 30 pounds and haven't been able to exercise since school started. I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost any more either. I don't eat great because sometimes I don't eat at all and sometimes I eat the "wrong" things. So I'm going to take care of medical school (in fact, I have every intention of kicking its ass), but I'm also going to take care of myself.

And now I am going to go implement that resolution....by studying.

"Fat Like Me"

As you can probably guess from the title, the topic of this post is about being fat. Or if you want to go politically correct, overweight, obese, morbidly obese, etc. If you want to be nice about it, fluffy, chunky, hefty. Now you probably ask, where does she get off talking about it? Well I come from a long line of "obese" family members, and I am currently labelled as obese. Every time I go to the doctor, I get the typical phrase "you need to lose weight." I particularly love it when I get that statement from a doctor who has never been outside of their "suggested weight range" and so has no idea what it's like to try to lose a significant amount of weight. Wanting to lose ten pounds to fit into a piece of clothing is not something I consider significant. Not that I am downplaying the loss because hey 10 pounds is 10 pounds but if that's all you have to lose to be considered healthy, then you're lucky.

Okay so where am I going with this? Well I would like to tell you about the current struggle of my life that has been with me since I was oh...about 13 years old and the irritating habits of other people that go with it. About 2 months ago I hit the highest weight in my life, I won't say what it is because there's no need. I had already decided that once and for all I was going to lose the weight. You see, I'm going into medical school and not only can I not stand a doctor who has no weight to lose preaching to me about losing weight, I also hate it when a doctor who is just as overweight as I am tells me to lose weight ("it's kind of a like a "right back at you buddy" kind of reaction). So how could I be a doctor, one that focuses on prevention, preach about healthy habits, and not be healthy myself. But anyway, I still kind of doubted myself. I'm good at doubting myself because most of the time I think "I can't really do it. I've tried before and it hasn't worked. What makes me think it will this time?" So when I stepped on the scale, I stopped doubting myself. I knew it was going to happen because I couldn't stand looking at myself anymore. Furthermore, I had a new reason to lose weight besides just for myself (If you can't tell, I have low self esteem, so doing anything just for myself doesn't work for me). My new purpose: my father. Like I said, I come from a long line of obesity. My father and mother are two of those. My mother had a gastric bypass in December 2005. She was considered morbidly obese, couldn't lose the weight, but was still healthy (meaning no diabetes, heart disease, etc). She was a perfect candidate. She did amazingly well (and still is I might add). In June 2007, my father who was obese but not morbidly so, had a lap band put in (Basically it's a band that goes around your stomach and limits how much you can eat). To deal with stress and to help him stopping eating, my father chewed tobacco, but had to stop for the surgery (nicotine does some crazy things to the body...I highly recommend avoiding it. He had stopped for good, went cold turkey, until I found out a few months ago that he had started again (It was a stress reaction, his job sucks). I yelled at him because I hate the habit and because of all the problems it can cause. So he made a deal with me. I lose 50 pounds, he'll quit chewing. I said "buddy you're on" (my father and I had a good enough relationship that yes, I do actually call him buddy sometimes in that sarcastic way). So now I up to 20 pounds lost. Yea for me. But still kind of worried. I've had some help along the way. I just got braces so I haven't really been able to eat that much, but what about when my mouth feels better and I can eat. Not only that I am an emotional eater. If I'm bored, sad, happy, aggravated, depressed, whatever...I eat. I've been trying to control it but get this, I think I might actually be in a more emotional part of my life than I ever have been. I'm going to a new school, medical school no less, where I know nobody. Recently broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years and working with the person who is currently dating and living wtih my "Place title here" (I refuse to call him my "ex" because I still have hope and...it's complicated). So what happens when/if my control breaks? I'm sure it will at some point because hey, you can only hold it in for so long and it's what I've been doing my entire life. It's not like I'm going through therapy for it, and yes emotional eating is actually a problem that people can go to therapy for.

But anyway, now that I've blubbered for a while about my own insecurities, let's talk about what other people do that really irritate me. I've already told you about the doctors. But there's also the people that lie straight to your face, and I suppose they are trying to be kind but still. Okay scenario. An overweight person says "I'm so fat" (and it's blatantly obvious that they are overweight). Person they are talking to replies: "oh you're not fat, you're just fine." Grrrr! It irritates me. I know I am fat, and I wish people wouldn't go into denial about it. I'm not in denial why should you be? And no, using one of the euphemisms does not make it any better. Now I know everybody has there own characterization of what fat is but there are also medical standards of what fat/overweight is. Now I know they are technically supposed to be guidelines, but in my case, carrying around about 200 pounds of body weight on a 5'1" frame, is not good. That's fat and it needs to be dealt with, no denied.

Of course on the opposite end, I hate it when people blantantly point out the fact that I am fat. I know this sounds contradictory, but listen to my story, child. I go with my parents to their bariatric surgeon check up appointment. They go into their room and I stay out in the waiting room. Another women there, who watched my parents go into the examining room, says to me "when are you having the surgery?" I said "I'm not." She goes "oh but you should. Have it done while you are young" Now I am not discrediting the fact that bariatric surgery is a great thing...for some people. And for anyone who says that it's the easy way out....I would probably punch you, because it takes work...as they say in the meetings...it's a tool that you have to learn to use. But it's not right me for at this point in my life. I'll admit, I considered it, but I know it's not right for me. But anyway, back to the point I was trying to make, it's not necessary to blatantly point out to a stranger...oh you are fat and you should do something about it. A close friend, sure it's perfectly okay to say...I love you but you should do something about your weight because it's unhealthy. I'm serious, that's okay. But blantantly and rudely pointing out to someone that they are fat, when they probably already know, is just wrong. So is treating fat people differently just because they have the extra pounds.

Okay so I know I've rambled a lot and I hope everything makes sense. And a little disclaimer: I know that every body type has problems, but as fat and short is the only one I've had personal experience with, that's the one I have discussed. I could also probably go on forever about being fat, but I'm not sure it's not what you really want to read more about. So go forth my children and use the terms fat and obese and overweight...it's okay really. And with the way our society is going...it's probably something you should get a lot more comfortable with. Good night all.

My New Blog

Hello all. So I have to admit this is my first blog ever. Sometimes I read blogs, but rarely and I never write them, until now. You may ask, why now? Well, I believe I have come to see the power of the blog by reading one blog in particular. Typically this would not be a venue in which I would talk about myself, in fact, if you ask some people they would say I don't talk enough. I'm a very private person. But as of late I have realized that there are just a few things that I need to get off my chest and while yes I have friends who would listen, this might actually be a better way. First off, what's the likelihood of you (whoever you are) judging me? I mean unless you actually know me and that's the reason you are reading this blog, you probably won't ever meet me, though online friendships are always fun. Second, I'm not so sure I really care if I'm judged. I think I've worried about that my entire life and while no one would say I'm old (I'm only 22), I've gotten to the age where I'm tired of always doing what others will approve of and always making everyone else happy. So this will be my vent spot and when I'm not venting I'll discuss other things. I'm not deeply philosophical, but most people would say I'm fairly intelligent and can carry on a decent conversation or monologue as it might be. So welcome to my blog, I hope you enjoy your visit here. Take pictures, relax, and please come again.