Or else the stress is finally getting to me. I've been going to anatomy lab practically everyday for the last 7 weeks. As time has gone on, it's gotten really old. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but most days when I walk out of the lab, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm finally out of there. But the last few days, I've become really sad about the fact that in about 4 weeks, anatomy will be over. Don't get me wrong when/if I pass, I will be elated. But I will kind of miss anatomy lab. And no, I don't think I'm going to miss the actual process of anatomy lab, but I will miss Dr. Banner. Who is Dr. Banner you may ask? Well Dr. Banner is my "home" cadaver. He got that name because he is a very large man and so like the Hulk...then Dr. Banner, it fits. I hope no one takes this as a disrespect to the person who made a gift of their body so that we can learn. In fact, I have the utmost respect for this man. So much respect in fact that I feel sad that in just a few weeks, I'll never see him again.
I know it sounds just a bit twisted but honestly, I have spent a lot of time with him when these 12 weeks are up. Not only that but I have been given the responsibility of his care. Cadavers must be maintained or they won't last very long and you won't be able to learn anything from them. So I have spent time with this cadaver and I have even found myself wondering about him. When he was alive what was he like, what did he do? It's hard to figure out exactly how he died, but I want to know if he was in pain or if he went "peacefully."
My lab group brought up the question to each other, well if you had the opportunity to see him in life, would you want to? Everybody said a definite no, but if it were possible, I think I would have wanted to. At least a picture or a name. It's sad to have developed a connection to a body, but I have.
I've heard rumors that at the end of anatomy we hold a mock funeral for our cadavers in order to show our respect for them. If this ceremony actually occurs, I'm scared. I mean, I will probably end up crying because I have grown this connection to this person and even if he no longer has a life, he is still a person.
I think I had a dream about my cadaver the other night. One of my anatomy professors was in it as well. The anatomy professor came to my house to help me get rid of a mouse (I know...bizarre). And there was this naked man walking around in the dream. I have no idea who this person was, but I had a very good detail of their anatomy. I am convinced that the naked man was Dr. Banner himself (Of course, this dream came on the same night we had been talking about if we wanted to know more about our cadaver while he was alive).
When we started out in anatomy and the first time we went through his back muscles, I had no problem with it. I had no emotional conflicts, I was able to just dive right in. But I think I am going to have a very hard time walking about from it. People who have a problem with human dissection in medical schools, I think, don't fully understand the mind of the medical student. Some might say we disrespect them or don't fully appreciate what we have been given. But they don't understand how much we appreciate them and how many of us actually grow to "bond" with our cadavers. If nothing else, the medical student relies on that person who donated their body to become a doctor because it is a course that we have to pass in order to become a doctor.
As I said, I so fully appreciate what these people have given us. And I might not have even known when the man died and so couldn't mourn, but I think I will mourn this loss in a few weeks.
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