At this moment in my life...

What I really need to do...

is be in the library studying right now. But I have absolutely no interest in studying right now. Actually I'm pretty sure I lost interest yesterday or maybe it was Friday. But last night was the night that I sat there and said "I have no freaking clue what to study anymore." There's so much I can study but I just don't even know where to begin. So yeah, I might have to spend my entire summer remediating anatomy. I know I was optimistic before but I mean what are the odds really? I failed the first two exams, so what makes me think that I can pass the third exam which is the hardest of the three?

I keep wishing for things to get better but I just don't know that they are going to.

RIP Hulk

Tonight, I said good-bye to Dr. Bruce Banner (aka Hulk). I almost cried. Very pathetic. One of the girls in my lab group and I said a few things to him, thanked him and then said goodbye. I kind of felt like an idiot because I teared up. But hey...I learned a lot from that cadaver and I spent a lot of time with him. I still wonder what he was like alive, but eventually I will learn his age and his cause of death. That I think will be helpful. But anyway, while I think I will miss Hulk, I just hope I don't have to have a new cadaver assigned to me next year (aka I fail this year).

Hoorah for Class of 2012!

So starting in July, I noticed a few things about my class. They are whiners. A lot of them are gunners. A lot of them are super-competitive when there is no longer any need to be. And as of this morning, they are cheaters. Okay, as a disclaimer I should say that this isn't everyone in my class. A lot of people simply want to be doctors and help people and as such just want to get through med school (I'm one of those people). We want to do well, but for us as long as we pass, we're good. So the whiners complain about everything single thing, from bad test questions to the amount of time we have to study, on and on and on. The gunners spend everyday in the library for hours and hours and know everything, even the stuff we don't need to know. And then make those of us who aren't gunners, feel like idiots. The competitive is self-explanatory, though I will add we are all in this together and we should help each other.

Now the cheating part. We have these radio frequency remote control type things where we get quizzes and we answer the quiz question by pushing a button on the remote. Apparently some of the anatomy faculty worked really hard so that we can have these things and they thought it would help us. We are assigned a module to do and then we get quizzed on it during the lecture the next day. It's supposed to make sure we are keeping up. So we have been told several times that these quizzes are testing situations and we should act appropriately (no talking, no notes, and NO CHEATING). So apparently the professors have gotten emails about how cheating on these quizzes is wide spread. No one specific, just that it is wide spread. Who knew? I was trying to think today if I've ever cheated but I don't think I have. I'm trying to decide if I've cheated without knowing it but once again I usually try to keep my eyes as forward as possible. And when I do the modules, it's reflected in my grade. When I don't do the modules, it's reflected in my grade. I usually do the modules so my grades are fairly high. Of course, if I were really cheating, I might actually be passing the class, which of course, I'm not.


So the entire class might be punished for what a few people are doing. Not only that but this isn't the first time we get punished for what other's do. Holy crap. They whine all the time, piss the professors off and the professors make the tests harder. Quite honestly I don't even know what to say anymore, the stupidity just amazes me. Honestly, walking home today, I said to myself, do I even want to attend this school anymore? I'm not sure this is the environment I want to get my medical education in.

So today is...

...a bit better than yesterday. After my post last evening, I decided to answer some questions in my review book. I answered 8 and got 2 right. I got so pissed off, I threw the book across the room. It's probably a good thing that the book is relatively small. So the book went flying and I was a little surprised at myself (I'm not exactly a throw a book across the room kind of person). I decided this was not a good thing and went to bed. Woke up this morning and I have to say I was in exquisite pain. I've been having pain in my lower back for over a week now, pain in my neck for a few days and a headache to top it all off. But I got up, went through my routine, although it did take me a lot longer to do the stuff that I have to do in the morning than usual.

So I had an hour of class and then a break before my OPP lab. I'm sitting in the cafeteria with a cup of coffee studying with some people and the security person walks in and says "We are evacuating the building for a bomb threat." Now if this was a real bomb threat and I can't guarantee that we weren't just having a drill, it's not funny. But at the same time, I kind of giggle thinking of some stressed out first year calling and putting in a bomb threat. Now this did not actually happen to my knowledge (I feel I should add this in case someone higher up than me in the med school food chain reads my blog accidentally) but you have to admit that with the stress we are all under, someone is bound to crack eventually. So anyone we walk out and then we walk back in, very short amount of time so I'm thinking it was a drill. But anyway, I go to lab and we are doing cervical manipulation techniques, in other words, we're basically massaging the neck and loosening up the muscles. I almost asked my OPP partner to marry me because it was so amazing. My neck feels better, my head feels better. All I need is someone to do my lower back and I will be so much better.

I'm still stressed out and there's times when I feel like I still know nothing but there are flashes of knowledge so we'll see how things go. And if I fail anatomy, I'm going to be upset, but hey...things happen for a reason. I don't know what this reason would be but there has to be one. But I just have a feeling that I'm going to pass. I don't know how I'm going to pull it off, but I just have a feeling in my gut and I have to say, my gut has been giving me pretty good insights lately.

I just don't understand...

I have been studying my butt off for weeks. In lab today and during some group study sessions, I was sprouting off information like it was nobody's business. Then as soon as I get asked a multiple choice question on that information, I can't answer it. I freeze up. Or I second guess myself, say the right answer first and then change my answer. Now, I have never had test anxiety before and I've always been really good at multiple choice questions. There is something about med school questions that make me freeze. For as much as I have been studying, I should have the entire book imprinted on my brain, all of the lectures memorized and everything single important relationship understood. Now while I don't have that, I know I have a lot of information stored in my head and I've learned my lesson enough to know what stuff is important. I just can't put it to use. Which really sucks because on Friday I have a test and on Monday and Tuesday I have tests. I need to pass anatomy and I just can't put the information to use. It worries me.

Everybody says you know so much, just have confidence, but I have to say, I think my confidence has kind of been wrecked by this whole anatomy thing. I knew my stuff last time and I still failed. I feel like such a failure at this and I just don't know where to go from here.

Oh the maturity of medical students...

In our defense, we're exhausted. But I have to stay, even I'm not exhausted enough or maybe too exhausted to find the latest joke of the male medical students that sit around me to be funny after the first telling. So we are learning about nerves in the head. The nerves in the head control the gag reflex, this is why you stick your finger down your throat and you gag, or puke depending on how big the reflex is. So the latest joke: all prostitutes should have this nerve cut so that they can't gag. Haha. Funny the first time really. Not after the 10th telling. What's more, if you cut this nerve you not only get rid of the gag reflex, but you get a dry mouth. From what I understand, excess production of saliva is a good thing during those kind of moments. So wouldn't that simply defeat the purpose.

Listen, I have as dirty a mind as the next person, but I'm kind of tired of hearing stupid and dirty jokes over and over again. It's not even that the jokes are dirty, but that they're stupid.

Now I'm going to bed. Maybe after sleeping the joke will be funny again...but probably not.

A few random things...

So today is a scary day...today was lecture 70 of anatomy. In other words...anatomy lectures are over. Very very scary. I am completely on my own now. I have 1 week and 1 day to pass anatomy. Now, I should say, if I fail anatomy for some reason, they don't automatically kick you out. But mentally, I'm not sure I could go through anatomy AGAIN! I'm barely making it through the first time. But we'll see. It's still possible that I can pull it off. Very possible in fact so we'll see.

Meanwhile, I am very very sick of my family interfering in everything! They constantly are asking about whether I am studying, my grades, and everything else that is really none of their business. Now I have lived away from home for 4 years now. I have to say my mother bought some of my groceries, but I was responsible for the cooking of them and generally getting through life 300 miles from home. I can handle it. When I agreed to move in with my sister, it was only going to be for this first year of school. I told everyone that. I want to be able to have my own apartment next year. Now when the topic comes up everyone is so offended that I am still sticking with this plan. No one seems to understand that I will be 23 by then and I need some independence. I would like my independence now. If I wouldn't have felt horrible turning my sister down when she asked me, I would be in my own apartment this year. But I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. It's frustrating that they basically won't let me go. You know, I have basically an entire apartment in boxes sitting in my grandmother's garage. I could have my own apartment but instead all of my stuff is in boxes. How horrible of me to want to be an adult instead of always living with someone who wants to take care of them.

Lastly, I really feel like I wasn't completely honest in my last post. I said October 11th had become a day like any other. But I really feel like it definitely isn't. The simple fact that I had even thought about having to drown my sorrows with my friends Ben and Jerry shows that it isn't a normal day. Instead I had to force myself to make it a day that could be productive. Unfortunately so much of my life is about productivity right now. October 11th was the start of 5 years and a little more, that is a period I won't ever regret no matter what happens in the future. But as we all know, I am an eternal optimist and have been throughout the entire happenings of the past year. So Oct. 11th was actually a happy day, but also a kind of sad day in that I couldn't spend it with who I wanted to. But once again, optimism is a good way to live your life (as long as you aren't naive). And if you read the comments of my last post, you'll know that a week before the 11th there was a day of extreme happiness and extreme comfort. Possibly the happiest I've been in a while. I also got the best 2 hours of sleep that I've had since May.

It was 6 years ago today...

If Jon and I were still together, today would be our 6th anniversary. However, since we are no longer together, it's basically just another day. I have a friend who started dating her boyfriend of 6 six years on October 12th (tomorrow) and so tomorrow would be there 6th anniversay...if they were still together. Laura mutually parted with her boyfriend a few weeks ago and now has a new boyfriend (she likes to refer to him as her man piece). She and her ex lost interest in each other a while ago, but her new boyfriend I think was the catalyst to them calling it off. The purpose of the story was that we today we were going to get together and eat Ben and Jerry's and commiserate over our relationships, or lack thereof. Last night I walked up to her and asked if we were still doing our Ben and Jerry's. Laura said well what do you think. After thinking about it for a second, I said "I don't really think we need to. I'm okay." She responded that she was excellent (and who wouldn't be, he just made her dinner and they had a very special "couple" moment). So our Ben and Jerry's night was called off because we are both doing okay or better than okay as the case may be.

Sometimes I wonder what happened to our relationship. People used to tell us all the time how lucky we were to have each other and what a great couple we were. We loved each other very much. I still love him. This was the kind of love where I could look into his eyes and see the love there. I know it sounds cheesy and cliche, but it's true. If you read my older blogs, there's the story about the rocks in the container. And I think that's what happened. We lost sight of our big rocks. I don't know what he thinks, but I know that I lost sight of the big rocks. Getting involved in everything else and forgetting about the time a relationship needs. Getting so busy that there's barely enough time to cook food or do laundry and most definitely not enough time for some "quality time." So that's my theory. But hey...I could be wrong.

So since today has become basically like any other, I have to do my laundry and study for the next round of anatomy tests. Maybe I'll actually be able to pass this one.

My Plans for Christmas Break...

Yes, Christmas break is still 2 1/2 months away but I am already making plans. I am start my break on December 19th and I have off until January 5th. Not a lot of time, but more time than I have now. First and foremost, I want to do some volunteer work. Places always need extra help during the holidays and I am an extra set of hands. This isn't purely unselfish as I get these things called TOUCH points for every hour I volunteer or do charity work and if I accumulate enough I get a letter in my med school file to go potential residencies. Probably a good idea. Second, I am going to read. I am going to read everything I can possibly get my hands on that does not have to do with medical school. I mean sure I am going to have to do some studying over the break to get ahead for the next semester but the majority of the time will be spent reading what I want. I am a reader. I love all books. I cringe when I see people mistreating books (folding the page over, writing in them....ugh, it's abuse). So I shall read.

I also want to go to the NFL hall of fame. I know it sounds odd, but I've passed by it several times and I never get to stop. Of course, it's a several hour drive and with the weather in this area, it might not be possible. So maybe that can hold off until summer.

But I am going to do the things that are good for the soul which as already said a main one for me is reading. I want to spend time with friends and family. I want to be able to appreciate the holidays. See, in my family, we aren't really the religious type, a little, but not a lot. Our Christmas is about our entire family being together, which is only is a couple of times a year and Christmas is the last big family hoo-rah of the year. It's weird that we are so rarely all together. The farthest anyone lives is my sister and I who live an hour away. Except for the past 4 years when I was in college and I lived about 6 hours away.

So I am basically going to spend my Christmas break doing all of the things that are good for me, so that when the spring semester comes around I am mentally and emotionally prepared and I can kick some med school butt.

What a week....

So this week has been interesting. Let's start with last Friday. I had my second anatomy practical. I wasn't sure how the actual practical portions (the part where you go into lab and identify tagged structures) went, but then I get to the oral portion (don't make this dirty, it's not). I stand in line and wait my turn. I was going to let someone in front of me, when she insisted, no no you go. Sarcastically, I say "thanks." I was very scared and did not want to go but I guess the time had to come at some point. I walk into the room and there sits my favorite Eastern European anatomy professor (okay, so he's the only Eastern European anatomy professor, but still...). I say to him "please go easy on me." He says "don't worry, this is easy. please tell me the branches of the celiac trunk' (for all of you who don't know the celiac trunk is off the aorta...major blood vessels). Now let's backtrack to the previous evening. Standing in a study room, I draw out and label all of the branches off of celiac trunk and two other related trunks, plus the branches off the branches and say to my study group/friends "if I get this question in the oral portion, I will lay my head down and cry in relief." We don't actually know the questions before hand but we all try to guess them. So back to the room with the anatomy professor....yes, I did lay my head down. I didn't cry but it was close. So I get full credit. Amazing.

So the way our test scheduling works is we have our practical and oral on Friday and then a 100 question written exam on Monday. So I take a break Friday night from sheer exhaustion. Even if I had studied nothing would have stayed. I study Saturday with a quick break to take in a movie with my sister. Sunday I am making dinner for my friends as a pretest meal, put my pork chops in a marinade and head to the library to study. Laura, my friend, is sitting there and we study separately for about 2 hours when we both say we are hungry and head to her apartment to split a box of macaroni and cheese. I ask her to check my email since most emails at the school are blocked (we are censured at medical school). So in my email is a very not nice email from my ex-boyfriend accusing me of saying things to people that I never talk to anymore about conversations that we had and got back to his current girlfriend. Wow. It hurt. First off, we dated for 5 years and he's my best friend and he says I'm his, so he should know that I would never say things like that to people. At that point, I just started crying because I couldn't believe it. I went on with the rest of my day attempting to study but it wasn't the best effort. Had dinner with my friends (the pork chops were pretty good, might I add) and went back to the library to study as a group.

Now during all of this, I am trying to figure out how what he and I had been emailing about had gotten back to her. It was impossible. We had talked about MAYBE seeing each other this weekend since we both were going to be at our parents' houses. I told my two friends that we might see each other but no one else. There was no way details of our conversation had gotten back to her. So I began thinking, has she been checking his email accounts? Moving on through the evening, I'm studying and I'm managing to keep up pretty well as in I really know my anatomy (keep this in mind for later). Then I hear a vibration. We all look at each other to see who it is. I'm guessing it isn't me because I rarely get calls on my cell phone. But it is me! There pops up my ex's number on my cell phone. I sneak out of the library and sit and talk to him for half an hour. The email he sent me, was a venting. Apparently he had gotten in a fight with his girlfriend about the emails we had exchanged and the fact that we still talk and she doesn't like it. So he is moving out of her place and home. Wow. What a change in my day. I felt bad about the fact that this was making his life hard, but I have to say, in all honesty, I was relieved and happy. So I went back to the library and continued studying and went home to sleep.

Next morning, test time. I take the first exam with 25 questions and walk out feeling like I didn't do well. I got back in to take the 100 question exam and I'm cruising along thinking that all is going well. I get done a little early, which scares me but I checked my answers several times so there was nothing I could do. I hand in my test and leave. An hour of class after lunch and then to doctor's appointments for my teeth. Tuesday comes along and so do our grades. The first test I did excellent on (the one I didn't think I did well on). The second...failed by 2 points. Now if we rewind to the whole I really knew my anatomy thing, you have to be wondering what the hell. Yeah, me too. I know my anatomy, I can recite it to you now if you asked. So what the hell. Well I don't know. I'm gonna review the exam to see what the hell happened but it's so sad. But anyway, I am once again picking myself up from another failure. Wow. It really is amazing. I can still pass anatomy, there's still about half of the points left and I'm only failing the class by two points, but still after all the studying I did, even with my breaks, it doesn't make sense.

So let's fast forward a little more. I don't hear from my ex all week which is odd because I expected to hear from him about his living arrangements and where he was going to live after he left his now ex-girlfriend's. Thursday night, his cell phone is disconnected and I begin to worry (I'm a worrier). Finally on Friday I call his parents and he is there and there permanently (well at least until he finds a new place). It's his birthday and he's not doing anything for it so I offer to make him a birthday dinner. He and our friend that is currently living with him come over for a mean baked spaghetti and strawberry shortcake. Not bad if I do say so myself.

Now this is where it get's even more interesting. He tells me the story and apparently he's happy he's out of there. She of course blames it all on me. If you check his blog, she even made some weird comment saying that his ex "sabotaged the relationship." I imagine I am the ex they were talking about....but sabotage is just silly. You ask anyone who knows me and they would tell you that I probably don't even know how to sabotage a relationship. And I don't. I wouldn't even know where to begin if I really wanted to. He's my best friend and all I really wanted to do was talk to my best friend and the person that yes quite frankly, I still love. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and a hug to thank me for dinner and the present I got him (yes I know I am pathetic) but at that moment I said to myself, it's still there, that love I have for him. Our first kiss was a kiss on the forehead and I felt the same about that kiss and I did about this one, only different because it's grown and developed now. So to top off my week, an even better knowledge that I still love my ex and all I can be right now, and maybe for the rest of our lives, is a friend.

So now, if I really want to pass anatomy, I should study, but maybe I'll cuddle with my dog for a little while first.