Holy crap!

It's been a long time since I've posted. Life however has been crazy hectic and I'm hoping that it slows down soon. First however, an update on anatomy. I passed! Sure it wasn't a great pass and i have to retake the first two exams I failed in January but as the old riddle goes, what do you call the med student who graduated last in their class? Dr. (it's not as funny as it used to be, but still so true). This new round of classes has been going better. I wouldn't say they are easier by any means but they are more enjoyable. Their amount of facts alone is impressive but then once you add in second and third order facts, it's down right complicated. But fun nonetheless. We are always being asked, don't you wish you were back in anatomy? I'm one of the few people who consistently says no.
Anyway, I've been on a break since about 8:30 Tuesday morning for Thanksgiving. It's been nice being able to sleep a little and read. I have missed reading so much. Tomorrow, however, brings the start of relearning (or learning) the anatomy that I failed so my break is going to be shortened, but I think I'll still take it sort of easy.
So Jon's grandfather has been moved to a rehab hospital. It's a far cry from what was planned a few weeks ago when they thought they would be removing life support. I haven't been able to get to the hospital as much with the snow we've been getting and the work load but he seems to be improving.
Jon found a job at Target where they promised him 40 hours a week, but when he got his schedule he found he was only working one day a week and there was nothing the supervisor could do about. He was staying with me until he could find an apartment, which he did, but then had to turn down due to the Target thing and as such, quit there and is now hoping to find something else. He went home yesterday. Last night I had trouble sleeping because he wasn't here and now I'm avoiding going to bed (despite being up since 3am for Black Friday shopping) because I know tonight will be more of the same. I'll admit it was getting a little hairy will all of us together in this little apartment. I think in the time that we were separated (and no techinically we're not "back together" I think...I'm not really sure what we are to tell you the truth) I got so used to being alone that being around someone all of the time was something I needed to "relearn." Do not get me wrong, I love spending as much time as I possibly can with him, but I think I have developed the need for "alone time." Something I have never needed before. But now that he hasn't been here yesterday and today, I'm just sad and lonely. My teddy bear that I curl up with at night doesn't have his body heat and there's no one to laugh about stupid things with or to just randomly talk to. The nice thing to have someone you care about around is that as soon as a thought pops into your head you can say it. But when you are alone, the thoughts come and have to be stored up for later so that you can tell them. Even if they aren't important thoughts, but thoughts that were important at the time.
Something I have found is that since we been together, I've been smiling a lot more. For a while I hated myself because I used to smile all of the time and always have something that I could laugh about. For a few months, I couldn't do it. Part of it was med school was stealing some of my soul, but a lot of it was that I didn't have all of myself (corny I know, but when you love someone it is a giving of yourself). Now in some ways I have that back and I feel like I can laugh again and smile even if there isn't really a reason to smile. I appreciate everything more (including food, which is not good for my figure).
But anyway, I think I am going to try the bed thing. I am awfully tired and I would like to go back to school for this last three weeks at least semi rested so I can kick butt on final exams. Good night and I hope everyone has wonderful dreams.

Life just keeps getting more and more interesting...

It's been about a week and a half since I got the call that Jon's grandfather had been in an accident and it was serious. He has been holding on for that week and a half and it's been so hard on everyone. When I got the call, I debated a little about whether I should go or not and then just decided I needed to be there. I've now been there almost everyday since that night. I go in to his room to see him and it's hard. This man always has a twinkle in his eye that reminds me of Jon's and tells the same story over and over again but you laugh anyway because these are the stories that mean so much to him. When we go in we try to tell stories to make him remember, to make him smile and he does. He's on a ventilator and he's on a lot of heavy duty drugs most of the time but when he's awake he smiles at us. The other night we had a scare and we all thought he was going that night. That was Friday and this is Sunday and he's still hanging on. So the family met with the doctor's and they made a decision to remove life support on Tuesday. They wanted time to get his youngest son here, who the family hasn't seen in 17 years so that he can say his goodbyes. But today, walking in to see him, at first I wasn't sure I was in the same room. He was more awake and conscious and when you talked to him, he moved his eyes towards you. He looked good, he had color and his hands weren't as swollen. The emotional part of me thinks that just maybe, just maybe. But at the same time, the medical part of me, the part that I need as a future physician says but all of the signs...all of the damage, it just doesn't add up to a long life. It's hard to deal with the confliction. But this is like my adopted grandpa and I just want him to live and to hear his stories about people I don't even know but who mean so much to him.

In addition to dealing with the medical problems, it's also been rough dealing with the emotional conflicts in the family. There's been so conflicts between his children and it's been coming out in the past week. Their stepmother doesn't help any. It's all been tiring. On top of all of that, Jon and I keep getting questioned about our relationship. We say we're just friends even though I think it's a bit more complicated than that but right now I think we both want to concentrate on getting through this tragedy (it sounds so melodramatic but it really is a tragedy). His family also keeps saying what a good person I am, how I'm an angel, etc etc for being there so much. It's kind of embarrassing because I don't think I'm doing much. I think I'm just doing what anybody would do for the people they care about and I feel bad because I wish there was more I could do. They ask me medical questions at times that I just can't answer and I wish I could just come up with a solution. Most of the time I just sit there and feel hopeless and helpless because I just want to be able to save him and give them back their father, grandfather, friend, whatever their relationship is. I apologize because this post wasn't supposed to be about me, but about him but through all of this I've felt so much emotion but with all the other emotions circling around I try to hold mine back and this is how I'm letting them out.

I just wish there was more I could do. I wish there was more that his religion would allow him to do. His religion prohibits blood transfusions and with a transfusion another treatment could be tried. The doctor has said it might only actually give him a couple more days and prolong the inevitable but at the same time, you never know, it could do more. It's just so frustrating.

But I should go to bed. Another long day tomorrow with school and then the hospital.