Or else the stress is finally getting to me. I've been going to anatomy lab practically everyday for the last 7 weeks. As time has gone on, it's gotten really old. I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but most days when I walk out of the lab, I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm finally out of there. But the last few days, I've become really sad about the fact that in about 4 weeks, anatomy will be over. Don't get me wrong when/if I pass, I will be elated. But I will kind of miss anatomy lab. And no, I don't think I'm going to miss the actual process of anatomy lab, but I will miss Dr. Banner. Who is Dr. Banner you may ask? Well Dr. Banner is my "home" cadaver. He got that name because he is a very large man and so like the Hulk...then Dr. Banner, it fits. I hope no one takes this as a disrespect to the person who made a gift of their body so that we can learn. In fact, I have the utmost respect for this man. So much respect in fact that I feel sad that in just a few weeks, I'll never see him again.
I know it sounds just a bit twisted but honestly, I have spent a lot of time with him when these 12 weeks are up. Not only that but I have been given the responsibility of his care. Cadavers must be maintained or they won't last very long and you won't be able to learn anything from them. So I have spent time with this cadaver and I have even found myself wondering about him. When he was alive what was he like, what did he do? It's hard to figure out exactly how he died, but I want to know if he was in pain or if he went "peacefully."
My lab group brought up the question to each other, well if you had the opportunity to see him in life, would you want to? Everybody said a definite no, but if it were possible, I think I would have wanted to. At least a picture or a name. It's sad to have developed a connection to a body, but I have.
I've heard rumors that at the end of anatomy we hold a mock funeral for our cadavers in order to show our respect for them. If this ceremony actually occurs, I'm scared. I mean, I will probably end up crying because I have grown this connection to this person and even if he no longer has a life, he is still a person.
I think I had a dream about my cadaver the other night. One of my anatomy professors was in it as well. The anatomy professor came to my house to help me get rid of a mouse (I know...bizarre). And there was this naked man walking around in the dream. I have no idea who this person was, but I had a very good detail of their anatomy. I am convinced that the naked man was Dr. Banner himself (Of course, this dream came on the same night we had been talking about if we wanted to know more about our cadaver while he was alive).
When we started out in anatomy and the first time we went through his back muscles, I had no problem with it. I had no emotional conflicts, I was able to just dive right in. But I think I am going to have a very hard time walking about from it. People who have a problem with human dissection in medical schools, I think, don't fully understand the mind of the medical student. Some might say we disrespect them or don't fully appreciate what we have been given. But they don't understand how much we appreciate them and how many of us actually grow to "bond" with our cadavers. If nothing else, the medical student relies on that person who donated their body to become a doctor because it is a course that we have to pass in order to become a doctor.
As I said, I so fully appreciate what these people have given us. And I might not have even known when the man died and so couldn't mourn, but I think I will mourn this loss in a few weeks.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Wishing It All Away....
So, as most people I am sure, I frequently find myself sitting at my desk (or in the lecture hall or standing in lab...or whatever) saying, "I wish today would just end so that I can *blank*. Usually this blank is filled with just go home, but then when I get home, I usually have to study so the blank becomes so I can go to bed, etc, etc. I'm sure you get my point. I showed up to the orthodonist one day (yes I am 22 years old and I have braces, get used to it...or don't, I'm still trying to). Anyway, on the day I showed up to the orthodonist, I was harassed and frustrated because I had to hurry to get there after my class and then afterwards I had to hurry back to get to another class. I've looked ahead in my schedule for school and after October 21, my life should get simpler. Well, I am done with anatomy anyway. But at least most days I won't be in school until 5 everyday, not that the material will be any easier. So I said to my orthodonist, I just wish anatomy will be over with so my life will be easier. She said to me "Ashley, you shouldn't wish everything away just so that your life will get easier. Life is never going to get any easier. My mother is 65 and retired and her life is still hectic." While this statement isn't exactly optimistic, to say it never gets any easier...well yeah it probably never will, but it would still be nice to be done with anatomy. (By the way, I like my orthodontist...we have good conversations). So then, the other day I found myself sitting and saying to myself, "I just wish this year would be over...then it'll get better." Where the logic is, I don't know, but I surprised myself, first I started wishing 3 months away, and then a year. Now I've always done the "I wish this week were over" so that I could get to the weekend, but....an entire year? I'm not so sure I (or anyone for that matter) should be wishing years away.
I don't know how many years I have, so wishing them away definitely isn't smart. It reminds me of the movie "Click." If you've seen it, you know that wishing everything away and for time to move faster can be tragic. Yes, I know it's a movie, but it makes a good point. I've also read this book, by an author I highly enjoy. No, the book isn't some 400 pages about life or the meaning of life. But instead you can regularly find it in the gift aisle, it has mostly pictures, and is a total of 110 pages...but like I said...it's mostly about the pictures. It's called "Tomorrow" by Bradley Trevor Greive. It's one of those little cute books, that you buy for....I'm not really sure what the reason is. My mom bought this for me when I was unsure what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Anyway, pg. 86 "Likewise, you must be very careful what you wish for, because you simply cannot lie to yourself and get away with it. When you are not honest about what you want in life, you hurt those closest to you and yourself most of all. Think very clearly about what you care about most....But don't spend all your time dreaming about the future, because the key to tomorrow is today." So yeah, I like that quote from the book...yes, it may be a little cliche, but it rings true and you know it. I know I really don't want these days to be gone. There are moments in every day that I know I would never give up. Today for example, I had a doctor's appointment to check my mouth after the surgery. I am 22 years old and I don't really need to have somewhere there when I go to the doctor anymore. Today, my dad showed up to my doctor's appointment. He wanted to be there, just in case. In case of what I'm not really sure, but he was still there. We talked football and about our days, then we went to our homes.
Anyway, so I kind of deviated off of what I was really trying to say, but that's okay. What I really wanted to say was that this whole theme of not wishing it all away keeps coming up. Last night as I was studying with some friends, one of them said, I just wish this all were over. Another friend replied "Don't wish this away, this is the best part of it all."
I think it's human nature to just wish away the parts of our lives that aren't the greatest or in fact are just downright bad. But are these the moments that make us stronger? If everything were easy, then what would we work for? Maybe a life without work would be easy...but it would be boring as hell.
So anyway, in my philosophical musings, I just want to say to not wish it all away. Every moment we have...there's something there to be appreciated. I have a picture on my bookcase to remind me of this everday. It says "Look for the small miracles and you'll find they're everywhere." I'm not trying to be cheesy, and most of the time I forget about this. But it's so scary that sometimes we wish our moments away when we never know when it's going to be our last moment or the last moment of those that we are living our lives with. So contemplate and plan and dream about tomorrow, but make sure you fully appreciate today.
And I am now done with my cheesy, touchy, hug, hug, tear, tear moment.
I don't know how many years I have, so wishing them away definitely isn't smart. It reminds me of the movie "Click." If you've seen it, you know that wishing everything away and for time to move faster can be tragic. Yes, I know it's a movie, but it makes a good point. I've also read this book, by an author I highly enjoy. No, the book isn't some 400 pages about life or the meaning of life. But instead you can regularly find it in the gift aisle, it has mostly pictures, and is a total of 110 pages...but like I said...it's mostly about the pictures. It's called "Tomorrow" by Bradley Trevor Greive. It's one of those little cute books, that you buy for....I'm not really sure what the reason is. My mom bought this for me when I was unsure what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Anyway, pg. 86 "Likewise, you must be very careful what you wish for, because you simply cannot lie to yourself and get away with it. When you are not honest about what you want in life, you hurt those closest to you and yourself most of all. Think very clearly about what you care about most....But don't spend all your time dreaming about the future, because the key to tomorrow is today." So yeah, I like that quote from the book...yes, it may be a little cliche, but it rings true and you know it. I know I really don't want these days to be gone. There are moments in every day that I know I would never give up. Today for example, I had a doctor's appointment to check my mouth after the surgery. I am 22 years old and I don't really need to have somewhere there when I go to the doctor anymore. Today, my dad showed up to my doctor's appointment. He wanted to be there, just in case. In case of what I'm not really sure, but he was still there. We talked football and about our days, then we went to our homes.
Anyway, so I kind of deviated off of what I was really trying to say, but that's okay. What I really wanted to say was that this whole theme of not wishing it all away keeps coming up. Last night as I was studying with some friends, one of them said, I just wish this all were over. Another friend replied "Don't wish this away, this is the best part of it all."
I think it's human nature to just wish away the parts of our lives that aren't the greatest or in fact are just downright bad. But are these the moments that make us stronger? If everything were easy, then what would we work for? Maybe a life without work would be easy...but it would be boring as hell.
So anyway, in my philosophical musings, I just want to say to not wish it all away. Every moment we have...there's something there to be appreciated. I have a picture on my bookcase to remind me of this everday. It says "Look for the small miracles and you'll find they're everywhere." I'm not trying to be cheesy, and most of the time I forget about this. But it's so scary that sometimes we wish our moments away when we never know when it's going to be our last moment or the last moment of those that we are living our lives with. So contemplate and plan and dream about tomorrow, but make sure you fully appreciate today.
And I am now done with my cheesy, touchy, hug, hug, tear, tear moment.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
So yeah...
I couldn't think of a good title for this post, but the one we have works. So yes, before I go on, I should be studying right now, but I have to say I'm not really in the mood to. So I am taking a short break and then I will get back to it....only problem is, short break is going on 2 hours now. Crap. My "short break" caused me to forget about the laundry I was doing, so now some of my dress pants sat in the dryer for too long and are wrinkled. Great...now I get to iron those.
So I was looking at some pictures of myself today. They were taken in early March and I remember one of the pictures wasn't horrible, so I was going to use it as a profile picture for here and Facebook. Huge mistake. Yeah the picture isn't bad, except it was 40 pounds ago. Meaning I weighed 40 more pounds. I was digusting. I'm not saying that all overweight people are disgusting, I'm just saying the fact that I let myself get that far, disgusts me. The fact that I was so disgusting sure explains a lot of things. I think it plays a large role in the reason why someone who loved me for 5 years, doesn't anymore. I think it can in part explain why I don't really have friends, and am just beginning to actually make friends (after a 40 pound loss). This is some what convoluted I know, but in my mind it makes sense. Of course, that could also be my personality, but I don't think my personality is that bad...but hey ya never know. So yeah 40 pounds ago....I was disgusting. I still look at myself naked (even though I try to avoid that) and say "wow...you're disgusting" but hey it's not as bad as it used to be I guess.
So since I had my wisdom teeth out, the weirdest thing has happened. I cry...a lot. Now, I have always been a bit of a crier. I cry at movies and sometimes songs make me cry, but I usually have a reason for crying. This past summer, I cried... a lot, more than any one person should probably cry, but I was getting better and still...I had a reason. Now, I just start crying, everything makes me cry. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why I am crying. Maybe my body is sad that it no longer has wisdom teeth, or it missed the two baby teeth that got pulled. Maybe it's the drugs that they gave me....I'm not sure. I just know that I cry and it's irritating.
But anyway, I really should get back to studying. I have to say though, I have lost a little bit of the respect I had for medical school. It happened last week when one of the professors put up a picture of himself with his hands over a patient, with light coming from his hands...the healing light. He claims that the picture hasn't been edited in anyway, except there's all this fog in the picture. So wait...he was doing a PE in a foggy atmosphere...not the best place to do it...not enough light or a stable environment. I'm sorry, but well...I believe in the power of healing but that guy might actually be a quack. And I just hope none of the administration has a thing with reading random blogs on here.
I am done ranting and going back to studying.
So I was looking at some pictures of myself today. They were taken in early March and I remember one of the pictures wasn't horrible, so I was going to use it as a profile picture for here and Facebook. Huge mistake. Yeah the picture isn't bad, except it was 40 pounds ago. Meaning I weighed 40 more pounds. I was digusting. I'm not saying that all overweight people are disgusting, I'm just saying the fact that I let myself get that far, disgusts me. The fact that I was so disgusting sure explains a lot of things. I think it plays a large role in the reason why someone who loved me for 5 years, doesn't anymore. I think it can in part explain why I don't really have friends, and am just beginning to actually make friends (after a 40 pound loss). This is some what convoluted I know, but in my mind it makes sense. Of course, that could also be my personality, but I don't think my personality is that bad...but hey ya never know. So yeah 40 pounds ago....I was disgusting. I still look at myself naked (even though I try to avoid that) and say "wow...you're disgusting" but hey it's not as bad as it used to be I guess.
So since I had my wisdom teeth out, the weirdest thing has happened. I cry...a lot. Now, I have always been a bit of a crier. I cry at movies and sometimes songs make me cry, but I usually have a reason for crying. This past summer, I cried... a lot, more than any one person should probably cry, but I was getting better and still...I had a reason. Now, I just start crying, everything makes me cry. Sometimes I cry and I have no idea why I am crying. Maybe my body is sad that it no longer has wisdom teeth, or it missed the two baby teeth that got pulled. Maybe it's the drugs that they gave me....I'm not sure. I just know that I cry and it's irritating.
But anyway, I really should get back to studying. I have to say though, I have lost a little bit of the respect I had for medical school. It happened last week when one of the professors put up a picture of himself with his hands over a patient, with light coming from his hands...the healing light. He claims that the picture hasn't been edited in anyway, except there's all this fog in the picture. So wait...he was doing a PE in a foggy atmosphere...not the best place to do it...not enough light or a stable environment. I'm sorry, but well...I believe in the power of healing but that guy might actually be a quack. And I just hope none of the administration has a thing with reading random blogs on here.
I am done ranting and going back to studying.
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